Pondering Over Duties, Affections, and the Interconnections
Pondering Over Duties, Affections, and the Interconnections
Freud famously expressed that the epitome of normality is the capability to effectively engage in both love and labor. Although this may sound sentimental (he wasn't), Freud was essentially expressing that proper psychological functioning should empower individuals to engage in profitable labor, utilizing their skills, talents, and knowledge to make a considerable contribution to society, all while forming enduring, meaningful connections with significant others.
It's undeniable that many individuals grapple with at least one of these normality challenges, and there's no shortage of therapists, coaches, and self-help gurus to assist them (or so they claim).
Moreover, there appears to be a strange contradiction between work and love, suggesting that excelling in one area may hinder progress in the other. An illustrative example: a workaholic who is reluctant to commit to a long-term relationship or transforms into an intolerable romantic partner due to an unwavering focus on work; or an individual who makes substantial career sacrifices to preserve or invest in their relationship. Could this infamous work-life imbalance primarily stem from work-love conflicts?
In fact, much like excelling in a career, the ability to succeed in romantic relationships requires a similar set of skills and traits. This is not a coincidence; there are obvious competency overlaps between the qualities that enable individuals to excel in their jobs and in romantic relationships.
To elaborate:
(1) The same characteristics determine both romantic and career success: Despite the distinct focus of studies on work performance and relationship success, both can essentially be distilled down to the same individual attributes and personality traits. Most notably, emotional stability, conscientiousness, agreeableness, and openness to new experiences will significantly improve both your ability to secure and sustain the right job, as well as the right romantic partner. Summarizing this combination of success predictors in both work and love as "emotional intelligence" (EQ) highlights their important role in both areas. However, even when a trait does not directly contribute to improved performance in either career or relationship, it will still boost your subjective satisfaction and contentment with both areas. In fact, the primary difference between those who are content and dissatisfied with their job or relationship is not the inherent quality of the relationship or job, but rather their own personality, mindset, attitude, and disposition. During challenging times, self-control, resilience, optimism, and grit will prove invaluable in protecting both your career and relationship. Additionally, contrary to popular belief, both your EQ and IQ (intelligence, learning capability, and mental agility) play a significant role in enhancing your prospects in both career and relationships. A higher IQ is advantageous because it boosts your ability to make rational decisions, comprehend your partner's needs and expectations, and implement smart strategies to achieve your goals. And, similar to a job, relationship success is not just about displaying the right traits, but also finding a partner whose qualities are compatible with your own personality and intelligence level. For example, the likelihood of a lasting relationship increases if your romantic partner matches your intellectual level; conversely, a longer job tenure is more likely if the demands of your job are a good "fit" for your intelligence level. Lastly, negative traits, such as narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism, can be equally detrimental in relationships as they are in the workplace, hence it's equally wise to steer clear of them in both romantic partners and bosses, regardless of their charm and allure.
(2) Both love and work have "KPIs": While you may not have a weighted scorecard, complete with key performance indicators (KPIs) or objective key results (OKRs), a successful romantic relationship will still demand the daily, monthly, and yearly fulfillment of mutually agreed goals, and the assignment of duties and responsibilities for each partner. Even if you're unaware of your partner's expectations, fulfilling your responsibilities is still essential. This may include routine chores, childcare, and parenting duties, as well as broader psychological, emotional, and spiritual deliverables (and, naturally, financial responsibilities). And, just as your career progression depends on maintaining a positive reputation with your manager, the longevity of your relationship is hinged on the reputation you have with your partner. Furthermore, there are universally accepted parameters to judge a successful career (such as salary, seniority, professional prestige, impact, and job satisfaction) and relationships (such as duration, fun, offspring, grandchildren, passion, and meaningful experiences).
(3) Variations in engagement occur in both workplaces and relations: The engagement a worker has towards their job isn't much different from the involvement they have in their relationship, as our emotional connection with both can fluctuate, be unpredictable, and indicate varying levels of emotional, spiritual, and psychological commitment. It's unrealistic to expect your job to be consistently fulfilling, meaningful, and motivating, just as it's unreasonable to count on your partner to consistently provide joy, happiness, and spiritual fulfillment. Jobs are not always fun, they come with transactional, routine, and mundane aspects. The same applies to even the best and most successful romantic relationships. Furthermore, just like employee engagement only accounts for a small portion of job performance, your subjective involvement in your relationship will be largely independent of your actual ability to make your partner happy. Keep in mind that what makes one person happy in a relationship may not make the other person happy. Just like employees may have a different perspective of their own performance than their bosses, you may have a different view of your relationship's quality than your partner does.
(4) Both finding a great job and a great partner is challenging: Decisions regarding careers and relationships are often based on emotions rather than logic. However, when the right choices are made, they are more likely to lead to success. Impulsive career choices and emotional relationship choices can result in varying levels of success. It's not wise to leave a job based on a whim to explore a new career path, and it's not advisable to marry someone after a first date. Although there are rational factors that can predict the likelihood of a job or a relationship being a good fit, there can often be a disconnect between what shapes our choices and what ultimately leads to our satisfaction. For instance, we may choose jobs based on salary, but factors like the ability to do meaningful work and develop useful skills may contribute more to job satisfaction. Similarly, physical attractiveness, social rank, and charisma may influence our choice of partners, but they may not boost our relationship satisfaction in the long term. In any area of life, what people want is not always what they need, and sometimes removing these factors from decision-making processes can actually increase satisfaction and success later on.
(5) There is no such thing as a perfect choice: If you're searching for the perfect job or the perfect partner, you're likely to end up unemployed or single, respectively. And miserable. There are no perfect matches in either the world of love or careers, only slightly better or worse options. The potential quality of our choices is not so much determined by our choices themselves, but by our ability to make them work. At work, a person's potential only tells a small portion of their story. What truly matters is their ability to develop and utilize that potential to succeed. In relationships, there is often a range of adequacy when it comes to love matches, but it's our motivation and willingness to unlock the relationship's potential (and our partner's) that really counts. Many organizations are full of underperforming employees because their motivation often affects their actual performance more than their abilities. Similarly, the failure of relationships is often due to a lack of motivation rather than ability.**
As a final note, while our jobs and romantic partners can play a significant role in our life satisfaction and self-esteem, they are not the be-all, end-all. Unrealistic expectations in these areas can lead to irrational demands and pressure, which may ultimately backfire. The secret to happiness can often be found in lowering our expectations and focusing on other sources of meaning and fulfillment, such as friendship, community, family, and intellectual pursuits.
- In the realm of self-help, many individuals seek guidance on improving their careers and relationships, recognizing the significant overlap in the qualities necessary for success in both areas.
- Effective leadership in the workplace can also translate into successful relationships, as both require strong communication, empathy, and understanding of others' needs.
- Human Resources (HR) departments could benefit from incorporating relationship skills training into their employee development programs, recognizing that happier, more satisfied employees are often more productive.
- Achieving a harmonious work-life balance requires recognizing that our self-worth should not be solely defined by our performance in our careers or relationships, as happiness can be found in various aspects of life.