Strategies for managing the sensation of being the only close friend among a group of peers
In today's diverse society, the experience of being a "token friend"—the sole representative of a marginalized group—can have profound effects on an individual's mental health. Tokenism, the practice of valuing a person's identity over who they are as a person or friend, can lead to feelings of isolation, stress, depression, and anxiety[1][2][3].
The impacts of tokenism are far-reaching, with key mental health concerns including:
- Isolation and exclusion from both social and professional networks.
- Emotional exhaustion due to the constant effort to maintain composure and credibility under racialized or other identity-based scrutiny.
- Hypervigilance and suppression of authentic emotional responses to avoid negative stereotyping.
- Feeling an intense pressure to overperform to be seen as a "good representative."
However, there are strategies to cope and set boundaries effectively. Here are some approaches to help mitigate the detrimental effects of tokenism:
- Build supportive networks and seek allies: Actively cultivate relationships with colleagues or friends who understand and validate your experiences to reduce isolation and increase psychological safety[2].
- Set clear personal boundaries: Define and communicate limits around emotional labor, such as when and how to engage with conversations about identity and tokenism to protect personal wellbeing.
- Engage in empowerment practices: Embrace identity-affirming messages and pride, which research links to reduced negative mental health outcomes like depression[4].
- Prioritize self-care and mental health literacy: Utilize culturally resonant pathways to healing and support, potentially engaging with community-based or spiritual frameworks that honor your background and provide holistic care[5].
- Practice self-advocacy: Where possible, address tokenism in structural settings by contributing to broader diversity and inclusion efforts to reduce the burden on individuals.
- It is acceptable to seek out new connections beyond a primarily homogeneous friend group. Connecting with people who understand what it means to be treated like a token friend can be a lifeline.
In addition to these strategies, seeking professional help can be a powerful tool for processing what one has experienced with tokenism and building resilience. Our website offers online therapy that is grounded in scientific research and evidence-based practices, with articles extensively reviewed by clinical experts.
Remember, realizing one no longer wants to be treated like the token friend doesn't mean one is overly sensitive or thriving on drama, but rather intuitive and self-aware enough to do what's best for one's mental well-being. It's crucial to validate feelings of pain and confusion experienced by the token friend, and discussing concerns about being a token friend with friends can open the door to growth and deepening connections.
[1] Sue, D. W., Capodilupo, C. M., Torino, G. C., Bucceri, J. M., Holder, A. M. B., Nadal, K. L., & Esquilin, M. (2007). Racial microaggressions in everyday life: Implications for clinical practice. American Psychologist, 62(4), 271-286.
[2] Constantine, M. G., & Sue, D. W. (2007). Everyday border crossings: Countering racism and discrimination in psychotherapy. American Psychologist, 62(5), 417-426.
[3] Smith, P. B., & Ingram, P. B. (2011). The psychology of racial microaggressions: Implications for coping and health. American Psychologist, 66(4), 261-271.
[4] Grant, J. M., & Phelan, J. C. (2013). The social psychology of prejudice: Attitudes, stereotypes, and discrimination. Annual Review of Psychology, 64, 573-601.
[5] Chavez, A. R., & Suarez-Orozco, C. (2009). Transforming the educational landscape for Latino youth: A multidimensional approach. Harvard Education Press.
- Engaging in online therapy can provide a powerful means for processing the impacts of tokenism and enhancing mental health.
- Struggling with feelings of isolation, stress, depression, and anxiety due to tokenism is not a sign of weakness or an overreaction to the situation, but rather an indication of self-awareness and the desire for mental well-being.
- Seeking out connections with individuals who have experienced tokenism can serve as a valuable source of support and understanding.
- Building a lifestyle that incorporates self-care, mental health literacy, education-and-self-development, and personal-growth can aid in combating the adverse effects of tokenism and promoting overall well-being.
